The Legend of Pirate Giii

"Aye, Aye, Aye captain!" they would shout as Giii the Space Pirate barked out orders to his motley crew of astro-seamen. With a terrifying reputation as the most ruthless buccaneer to sail the astral seas, Giii's legend soon spread from Omega 7 to the far reaches of Beta Caraton. How then did this scurviest of dogs end up marooned on the Planet Earth with nothing more than a space pistol, one space bullet, and a space volleyball? The answer lies, surprisingly, in space...

Giii the Space Pirate was not always a space pirate. In fact, before he became Giii the Space Pirate he was Giii the Space Fancy Lad. The elder scion of the wealthiest royal family of Planet Mobius, Giii was a luxuriant playboy who squandered his family's wealth at intergalactic nightclubs, in high stakes space-poker games, and raising space-hummingbirds, the pet with the most expensive diet in the universe (consisting of only white tiger cubs, and the hard-boiled eggs of extinct birds).

Even amongst his own royal family he was considered something of a Lazy Susan. Despite being the first-born son of Rexonium the Space King, royal watchers expected that Giii would likely be bypassed for the crown by his edgier yet more capable brother, Nukles the Space-Responsible One. At times, Giii felt depressed that he was as substance-less as a joke about a Michael Bay film. However he hid his secret desire to go all Nepalese palace on Nukles and the rest of the royal court, and channeled his frustration into more benign activities - drinking, clubbing, carousing with the space-ladies, etc. Giii's meaningless existence was headed straight towards a stay in space-rehab, when on one fateful space-cruise changed everything.

The cruise in question was the Royal Family's annual trip to Jhetson Paradise, and it was truly an exercise in intergalactic opulence. Tens of thousands of guests dined on the finest space-cakes and space-cheeses, drank from the rarest of space-wines, and were entertained by a space hip-hopera. Their collective calm and good-time party atmosphere was shattered though, when a million Jovovician pirates led by the notorious Captain Black Tentacle stormed the ship.

In the ensuing chaos, the royal family bravely hid in their quarters as their legions of guards fought the pirates tooth and nail. It was no use however, as Captain Black Tentacle and his men made quick work of them, and breached the royal family's inner sanctum. Just as it appeared that Black Tentacle was about to make the whole royal clan walk the space plank (in a bad "to-your-death" kind of way, not in a good, "herald-of-Galactacus" way), an unlikely Hero emerged.

When the pirates had boarded, Giii was sleeping off a killer hangover in the bunk of a space-model/space-spokesperson, and he managed to escape the pirates' notice. In a moment of uncharacteristic selflessness, he risked his life to sneak into the ship's armory and grabbed a Ninja-tron 4000, the most deadly ninja-launcher on the market at that time (this was back before the Ninja-tron 5000 and the Katakannon X54). Wielding this pirate-neutralizing weapon, Giii stormed the royal quarters and was poised to end Black Tentacle's pirating days once and for all. A strange thing happened however: just as Giii was about to pull the trigger he remembered how little his family had respected him and how he always was coming in second to Nukles in Ring Races and at life in general. To the horror of the royal family, he turned the Ninja-tron on his own brethren and delivered the ship to Black Tentacle.

Delighted with Giii's treachery, Captain Black Tentacle took him under his arm, eventually making Giii first mate and his heir. The two plundered across the galaxy leading a crew of hardened space pirates with a thirst for space rum and a love of space gold (but not space platinum - they hated space platinum). Giii the Space Pirate became something of a son to Black Tentacle and upon the Captain's death, Giii took his place at the helm of the greatest pirate fleet ever to sail the cosmic seas.

When Black Tentacle passed, he left Giii with one final wish - that Giii would some day make his way to the Milky Way Galaxy and retrieve an ancient, and powerful jewel he had once discovered on a red and dusty planet. While Black Tentacle was too weak and frail to reveal the name of the planet or the mysterious power the jewel held, he was able to utter that the treasure was "totally awesome." With this cryptic message, and an undying loyalty to the man he had come to see as his father, Giii spun the space ship steering wheel thingy and turned his fleet towards the Milky Way.

For decades, Giii and his pirates plagued the Milky Way, boarding ships, seizing cargo, and trading in space rum, royal jelly, and bootlegged DVDs. Black Tentacle's storied treasure was never found however, and despite becoming rich with booze, jelly, and $5 copies of Santa Clause 3, Giii's men became restless. They didn't become space pirates to hang out in one galaxy - they wanted to be the scourge of all space! Giii would not listen however, and remained focused as ever on Black Tentacle's treasure.

One day, while ashore on a planet called Earth, which rumors suggested might hold the key to the secret of the treasure's location, Giii's men mutinied. Led by Giii's own first mate, a surly, yet progressive pirate named G.D. Lee, the crew revolted and demanded to leave the Milky Way for new space waters. When Giii refused, his men stripped him of his teleporter, and left him stranded on Earth with only a space pistol, one space bullet, and a space volleyball. Enraged, Giii shot the volleyball with the one bullet he had, then hurled the pistol into space, swearing revenge upon his crew.

Today, Giii the Space Pirate finds himself still stuck on Earth and desperate to return to the stars to reclaim his crew and resume his search for the treasure of which Black Tentacle spoke. With nothing to his name, Giii has now become a deadly mercenary, hiring himself out to the highest bidder, in order to amass enough space-euros to buy himself a new ship and exact his revenge.