Divided We Stand
Queens, New York. The Kaiju Commissioner was hoping to promote The Great Divide as a celebratory night of expansion and heroic achievements. Dr. Cube wasn't having it however, as he used the historic event to demonstrate his wicked ways. Cube, in a ruder, cruder, and more confidently evil mood than usual, introduced his new creation the hybrid duck thing named Derano and while it was defeated, it seemed it was all going along as Cube planed. Amidst the overwhelming amount of monster mayhem, the Kaiju fighters who won their match were made to chose to remain in NY or head to sunny Florida to start up a Southern Kaiju League. The decisions of the victors made for a bitter sweet ending to a night of action packed accomplishments. Every villain that won decided to go and every Hero that won decided to stay, except Paco Plaintain. How will a lone hero, separated from his brother, stem the tide of destruction? Will the Commissioners plan fail resulting in the decimation of Florida? Only time will tell.
In depth commentary is on the way. Until then, here's a quick recap of the Big Battel:
Fighto 1: Dueling Banjoes
Metal Wing Black Defeated Tucor
Metal Wing Black Stays
Fighto 2: Threshold Apprehension
Steam Powered Tentacle Boulder Defeated Derano
Steam Powered Tentacle Boulder Stays
Fighto 3: Love Will Tear Us Apart
Los Plantanos Defeated #13 & Craw
Pablo and #13 Stay
Fighto 4: ça plane pour moi ?
Erubus Defeated French Toast
Fighto 5: Kids in America
American Beetle Defeated The Scab
American Beetle Stays
Fighto 6: Should I Stay or Should I Go?
Uchu Chu defeated Silver Potato
Silver Potato Stays
Police Reveal Louden was Kidnapped Last Month
Louden was walking through a Queens neighborhood and was kidnapped in broad daylight last month, forced into a van at gunpoint, and restrained with duct tape by a group of seven "things" witnesses say.
Police say the he was walking on 24th Street in Astoria around 9pm when he was confronted by a "hairy man" with a yellow gun. The man forced him into a white van, where he was assaulted with rotten fruit by a group of men who then drove off.
"It represents a change in what's going on out here on the streets that we have a group of people who are specifically looking to target, kidnap and assault famous people. That is a very, very profound event and it's a change in what we're used to investigating" said Officer Desmond Buxton.
The crime was called "dubious" and "abstruse" by insensitive KRAS reporter Elliot Muncher, who spent most of her segment insinuating that being assaulted with rotten fruit is rare, near impossible and therefore a crazy concept. She went on to blame liberal vegetarian extremists and Obama.
In fact, being assaulted with rotten fruit is more common than people like Muncher may think. Thanks in part to her mocking insinuation that being assaulted with rotten fruit is "abstruse" a huge number of men who are assaulted with rotten fruit do not even know what abstruse means and fail to report their attackers out of shame, or fear that they won't be believed.
Buxton put forth a similar archaic way of thinking, adding: "I think before men didn't even think of the possibility - walking up and down the street - and had to be on the look out for a renegade fruit cart or something, but now its a possibility."
Police are looking for seven suspects - one is a red hairy male with short red hair, the others all dressed in matching light blue pajamas.
Louden has not been seen since.
Question of the week?
Is blue a flavor?
News and Notes
Commishioner Wooly Wins Lifetime Supply of Chewing Gum at Local QMart.
Metal Wing Black Returns to the Big Battel.
Join us on Facebook for exclusive info and special Merch deal announcements.
Silver Potato recovers second part of the Temporal DNA
Grudyin joins "Hair Club for Men".
Unibouzu moves to Miami.
Dr. Cubes Appear to be Getting Nothing Done Due to Bickering
Andy Salbino on childhood: 'Dunken Donuts was there for me when no one else was'.
Vegitius causing trouble again
Tallahassee (KBBN) - A West Florida man was wounded after he fired a gun at Vegitius in his yard and the bullet ricocheted back to hit him in his face, the county sheriff said on Friday.
Sheriff Leroi Rexe said the man, who was not identified, went outside his home in Altha, west of Tallahassee,ľat around 2 a.m. on Saturday morning. He spotted Vegitius drinking from a beer keg left in a plastic kiddy pool of melting ice. He opened fire "to defend his property" he said.
"His wife was in the house. He went outside and took his .38 revolver and shot three times at Vegitius," Rexe said. The beast's hard shell deflected the three bullets, one of which then struck the man's jaw, he said. The others knocked out the porch light and killed a coon rummaging in a nearby trash can.
The man was taken to a nearby hospital, where his jaw was wired shut, according to Rexe.
The raccoon was taken to the kitchen
"The status of Vegitius is unknown.
"We didn't find Vegitius," the sheriff said. "Its likely to be half way to Texarkana by now"