A Letter from the Commissioner
Dear Kaiju Fans.
Danger is approaching the city of Queens... again, Sept 26th at 11 pm. Thats right its another Kaiju late show. Join us as the Kaiju fighters fight to stay, as the losers will all be shipped off for a secret project initiated by the Kaiju Commissioner... oh, wait that's me. More info soon as soon as I remember what this is all about but I am sure it had world changing ramifications or something. Tickets available now! Just scroll down to the Kaiju Quick mall.
As always, Danger Can Happen, so watch each others back.
The Kaiju Commissioner
Police Reveal Louden was Kidnapped Last Month
Louden was walking through a Queens neighborhood and was kidnapped in broad daylight last month, forced into a van at gunpoint, and restrained with duct tape by a group of seven "things" witnesses say.
Police say the he was walking on 24th Street in Astoria around 9pm when he was confronted by a "hairy man" with a yellow gun. The man forced him into a white van, where he was assaulted with rotten fruit by a group of men who then drove off.
"It represents a change in what's going on out here on the streets that we have a group of people who are specifically looking to target, kidnap and assault famous people. That is a very, very profound event and it's a change in what we're used to investigating" said Officer Desmond Buxton.
The crime was called "dubious" and "abstruse" by insensitive KRAS reporter Elliot Muncher, who spent most of her segment insinuating that being assaulted with rotten fruit is rare, near impossible and therefore a crazy concept. She went on to blame liberal vegetarian extremists and Obama.
In fact, being assaulted with rotten fruit is more common than people like Muncher may think. Thanks in part to her mocking insinuation that being assaulted with rotten fruit is "abstruse" a huge number of men who are assaulted with rotten fruit do not even know what abstruse means and fail to report their attackers out of shame, or fear that they won't be believed.
Buxton put forth a similar archaic way of thinking, adding: "I think before men didn't even think of the possibility - walking up and down the street - and had to be on the look out for a renegade fruit cart or something, but now its a possibility."
Police are looking for seven suspects - one is a red hairy male with short red hair, the others all dressed in matching light blue pajamas.
Louden has not been seen since.
Question of the week?
Is Kid Devilers real name fred?
News and Notes
Commishioner Wooly Wins Lifetime Supply of Chewing Gum at Local QMart.
Metal Wing Black Returns to the Big Battel.
Join us on Facebook for exclusive info and special Merch deal announcements.
Silver Potato recovers second part of the Temporal DNA
Grudyin joins "Hair Club for Men".
Unibouzu moves to Miami.
Dr. Cubes Appear to be Getting Nothing Done Due to Bickering
Andy Salbino on childhood: 'Dunken Donuts was there for me when no one else was'.
Vegitius causing trouble again
Tallahassee (KBBN) - A West Florida man was wounded after he fired a gun at Vegitius in his yard and the bullet ricocheted back to hit him in his face, the county sheriff said on Friday.
Sheriff Leroi Rexe said the man, who was not identified, went outside his home in Altha, west of Tallahassee, at around 2 a.m. on Saturday morning. He spotted Vegitius drinking from a beer keg left in a plastic kiddy pool of melting ice. He opened fire "to defend his property" he said.
"His wife was in the house. He went outside and took his .38 revolver and shot three times at Vegitius," Rexe said. The beast's hard shell deflected the three bullets, one of which then struck the man's jaw, he said. The others knocked out the porch light and killed a coon rummaging in a nearby trash can.
The man was taken to a nearby hospital, where his jaw was wired shut, according to Rexe.
The raccoon was taken to the kitchen
"The status of Vegitius is unknown.
"We didn't find Vegitius," the sheriff said. "Its likely to be half way to Texarkana by now"
Hell Monkey Starts Spring Break Early
BROOKSVILLE, Fla. (KBB) - It was happy hour for one lucky monkey and Florida highway workers, the beer was flowing on southbound Interstate 75 when a Beer truck overturned.
The Florida Highway Patrol says beer cans were strewn along the highway north of Tampa early Tuesday after 28-year-old truck driver Marlon "Chops" Shakes of McArdle Beach became distracted by Hell Monkey riding on the roof of a cab. He lost control of the vehicle after Hell Monkey started tossing flaming barrels on to the path of his semi.
The truck went onto the outside shoulder and the driver overcorrected, crossed the highway and hit the center median guardrail before overturning.
Much of the cargo spilled onto the road, Hell Monkey decided to take advantage of the "accident" and drank salvaged beer for more than three hours with members of the Highway Dept.
Troopers say Marlon was cited for careless driving. No one was injured in the crash.