Kaiju Tools Get Email Updates Discuss Email this page

Heroic Boxing

The year was 2002. The aftershocks of 9-11 sunk America into a dark slump of fear, anxiety, and financial stress. The entire world was a ball of paranoid nerves. Making matters worse, Dr. Cube's Posse was on a winning streak, Kaiju heroes were losing Battels left and right, and Hero T-shirt sales were at an all time low. Just when it seemed that things couldn't get any worse, Kung-Fu Chicken Noodle murdered the heroic Club Sandwich at Warsaw Wafu Fun in Brooklyn, NY. America's confidence in all that was good and just was lost. In a time when many Americans yearned for safety and security, the Big Battel scorecard failed to provide proof that good could surmount evil.

The country was in need of a confidence boost, so the Kaiju Commissioner met with Mr. President about how to handle the situation. Both powerful men agreed that America needed a new Kaiju Hero, and in hopes of boosting national morale, the American public would be called on to lend a hand in the creation of the next great American Hero.

News of the heroic savior traveled fast, and the entire country was abuzz with hope and newfound pride. The Kaiju Commissioner threw his heart, money, and public relations savvy into creating the newest meta-Hero. The Commissioner's public relations department decided to make the creation of the new Hero the most celebrated event of the year. An endless stream of press, public appearances, parades and old-fashioned rallies swept the country. At 8 p.m. on August 20, the Commissioner publicly revealed plans for the new robotic hero. The televised event unveiled America's next superhero, RoBox, and unleashed the greatest American phenomena since Pac-Man Fever, RoBox Rabies.

While the nation applauded the decision to create a new Hero, no one wanted to pay for it. The post 9-11 economic climate was horrendous and the budget for the fabrication of America's next great Hero was set at $337.63, plus whatever Robo Dynamics' resourceful R&D staff could carry out of the basement of Kaiju Headquarters. It was unclear how Robo Dynamics would be able to craft the greatest American Hero on such a shoestring budget. Still, Robo Dynamics was known for working miracles with pennies.

Dr. Nikolai Orekhov, an extremely innovative and resourceful scientist, led the creation of RoBox. The forward-thinking Robo Dynamics technologist had long been a supporter of recycling and turned the daunting budget problem into an opportunity to champion the use of recycled materials. Dr. Nikolai decided on a classic rectangular box design and armed the robo-hero with two versatile appendages that could be fitted with an arsenal of weapons. Not only did the "Slinky Dink"-like arms make young children laugh, but they were also extremely dangerous with an armory of weapons that ranged from titanium razor-sharp claws to smart-missile launchers.

The enviro-robo-hero made his glorious Kaiju Big Battel debut at Roxy Rampage NY, defeating the infamous Kung-Fu Chicken Noodle in seconds flat. Backed by Dr. Nikolai, RoBox unleashed a powerful attack and pinned the deadly Soup in under four minutes with an unconventional move that would later be dubbed the Reverse Defragmenter.

Unfortunately, RoBox's combat capabilities quickly deteriorated after his debut victory over Soup. His cheap parts and labor were a slow poison and eventually disabled the promising hero. Robo Dynamics responded with a series of upgrades and reinstalls. Dr. Nikolai personally logged 1,291 hours on various customer service support lines. The effort was barely noticed however -- RoBox was no match for Soup in a rematch Battel at First Fight Out. Losing both arms as well as his head, RoBox was nearly destroyed in just three minutes.

America was shocked, "How could the great American Hero be defeated by a Chinese factory worker turned mutant Can of Soup?" The finger pointing, blaming, and scapegoat slaughter was quick and dirty. No one wanted to claim responsibility for the failure of an American Hero. Eventually the blame was passed onto the recycling plant that provided the raw materials for RoBox. To this day the recycling industry is still recovering from the crippling public backlash.

The US Government, the Kaiju Commissioner and the American people were foiled by the fact that RoBox could not withstand the rigors of repeated Battels. Sure, RoBox had a great looking design, a lovable human element, a ton of great press, and fabulous ratings from Neilson, but the hype fell hard when RoBox was put to the test. America was disappointed, and unable to face the facts. The entire country turned its back on its own creation. RoBox was the embarrassing son of America.

The pressures of high hopes, overblown hype, and mass-abandonment were almost too much for RoBox to handle. American society's inability to be accountable for the shortcomings of its failed made-in-the-USA hero practically destroyed the fragile digi-ego of RoBox. But RoBox was programmed with the "American ends in 'I Can'" code, and was determined to fight the country's collective guilt-trip, shame, and alienation. RoBox vowed to continue fighting evil until he becomes the hero America wanted. Otherwise, like a true hero, RoBox pledged he would die trying.

View the Previous Bio Hello Kaiju View the Next Bio