Saturday April 6th, 2002, the city of Boston
was left in ruins as the contending forces
of Kaiju clashed at Matsuri Mass Mayhem.
Over 1200 humans bore witness to the mass
destruction: more crushable cityscapes were
destroyed in two hours than in all recent
Big Battel history combined. The sold-out
crowd was eager to experience the spectacle,
yet few were ready to handle the intensity
of the action. And after waiting for what
seemed like an eternity, Louden Noxious
led the mayhem-starved crowd in a countdown
to danger. A total of five Battels rendered
the human population dumbstruck, their awe
and disbelief palpable.
Match: American Beetle Vs Unibouzu
Beetle demonstrated good, old-fashioned
American tenacity as he heroically protected
the fragile cityscape from a new and unknown
monster during the first (and unscheduled)
Battel. The mystery beast, a red-and-blue
sea-urchin-type monster, kicked off the
event by destroying every building within
reach. Later revealed to be "Unibouzu,"
the mysterious monster is apparently a new
Rogue Kaiju determined to make grand entrances.
The American Beetle, who is no stranger
to showboating, seized the opportunity and
proved to everyone that "American" ends
in "I can!" Even though Unibouzu was covered
in deadly spikes and appeared to be unstoppable,
American Beetle defeated the rogue beast
with the help of his long-lost red, white,
and blue shield. In the end, the patriotic
crowd chanted, "U-S-A, U-S-A, U-S-A..."
For one unifying moment, everyone at the
Battel was proud to be an American Beetle
Team Match: Los Plantanos Vs Hell Monkey
and Super Minion #96
years ago, the one-eyed Hell Monkey mistook
Los Plantanos (AKA The Plantain Twins) for
two giant bananas and attacked the South
American brothers in a fit of savage hunger.
Los Plantanos fought off the evil monkey
and declared both Dr. Cube and his Hell
Monkey "Public Enemy Numero Uno." This heated
rivalry came to a head, as Los Plantanos
took on Hell Monkey and Super Minion #96
in a spectacular tag-team Battel.
analysts continue to argue that this good-versus-evil
tag-team-style Battel was the most heroic
contest of Matsuri Mass Mayhem. Dr. Cube's
Minions released Hell Monkey from his cryogenic
chamber and Super Minion #96 armored himself
with extra-heavy stomp boots and an angular
rock helmet. Los Plantanos remained calm
and jovial, not intimidated by Cube's beasts.
After some initial struggle, the twins executed
their repertoire of double team moves that
blew their opponents away. The Battel was
not an easy win; Hell Monkey set Pedro Plantain
on a table and scaled a 58-story building
in an attempt to smash the plantain with
a high-flying assault. Pablo wasn't having
it however; in an attempt to save his brother,
he scaled the skyscraper and threw Hell
Monkey off the tower, onto the street. Los
Plantanos made the win official by dragging
Hell Monkey's limp body back into the ring
and delivering a tandem pin for the win.
Once again, Los Plantanos proved that "Plantanos
No Son Amarillo!"
and Goliath Battel: Multimoog Vs Slo Feng
Dr. Cube's most massive beast, took on Slo
Feng in this David-and-Goliath-style Battel.
Although not the smartest member of Dr.
Cube's Posse, the towering Multimoog was
billed as the strongest, most powerful city-crushing
monster in Cube's ranks. Multi Moog was
so massive he had trouble getting into the
ring! Not that it matters now, because Dr.
Cube's gigantic beast never made it out
of the ring alive. After Jingi slapped the
mat and yelled "Fighto," Slo Feng wasted
no time, immediately drawing a pistol (which
supposedly belonged to his late grandfather).
Slo Feng squeezed the trigger, but the old
gun misfired and Slo Feng swiftly adopted
a fighting stance. After a quick calculation,
Slo Feng rushed Moog, throwing one well-placed
punch. So carefully calculated was the punch
that the fist of the Viking-like hero pierced
Moog's chest. Feng proceeded to remove a
chunk of Moog's heart and the giant monster
dropped to the floor and never got back
up. The crowd was in shock, and after trying
to save the bleeding beast, Louden Noxious
called for an impromptu commercial break.
By the time the commercial break was over,
Cube's Minions had dragged the dead Moog
out off the ring and carefully collected
all of Moog's body parts in black plastic
Match: Gomi-man Vs Kung-Fu Chicken Noodle
"Trash-Can Match" pitted Kaiju Big Battel's
most popular Rogue wrestler, Kung-Fu Chicken Noodle, against Dr. Cube's newest creation,
Gomi-man. As the newest member of Dr. Cube's
Posse, the trash monster was eager to prove
his worth. But Soup wasn't about to let
the newcomer disrupt his recent winning
streak, so the resourceful can used several
"found" objects (including a shopping cart,
a computer keyboard, and a crutch) against
the beastly Gomi-man. The fighting was dirty;
the lack of sportsmanship was despicable.
The toxic fumes of Gomi-man drove the crowd
to the brink of insanity. For some unknown
reason, the raging crowd clapped and chanted
in unison, "Pull your pants up!" In the
end, Soup reigned supreme over Gomi-man
and walked away the victor.
Championship Match: Silver Potato Vs Uchu
Kaiju Championship Match was a whirlwind
of surprises, upsets, and screw jobs. The
treacherous Uchu Chu was defending his Championship
title from the mighty Silver Potato. Uchu
Chu put up a fierce fight but was afraid
of losing the Belt, so he called on fellow
Team Space Bug members Mung Wun and Sky
Deviler. Uchu Chu commanded his two faithful
space bugs to topple a 48-story building
onto Silver Potato midway through the Battel.
The moment the building crushed Potato,
Dr. Cube emerged from the audience and entered
the Battel. Dr. Cube destroyed Uchu with
a raging storm of technical moves and Potato
eventually crawled from the rubble to engage
Cube and Uchu Chu in a three-way dance of
danger. Cube took advantage of Potato and
Uchu Chu's fatigue, knocking them out cold.
The manipulative Dr. Cube then dragged Silver
Potato onto Uchu Chu, so Jingi called the
three-count and declared Silver Potato the
new Kaiju Champion. This was no mistake
on Dr. Cube's behalf: by tainting Potato's
victory, Cube managed to kill two enemies
with one stone; not only did he strip the
belt from Uchu Chu but he tarnished Potato's
image by assisting him with the win. The
mighty Potato promised to recapture the
Kaiju Belt for all the wholesome Kaiju fans,
but this defiled win leaves many wondering
about his legitimacy as Kaiju Champ.